By “party”, I mean a physical social gathering of people for the purposes of having fun. It may be used in a sentence as “I am throwing a party!” or “Let’s party!”.
Basically what I am trying to say is the default “party”.
I’ve never been to any, and I have no idea how people spend their time on parties, so I am curious how you did.
Since I didn’t see any responses that directly answered the question of what do you DO, I’ve prepared a short guide for a generic social gathering. This guide may be inappropriate in some contexts such as a dinner party or event/tv show watching party, etcetera:
- Show up
- Not at the exact start time, but at a minimum of 15-20 minutes “late”
- Bringing an unopened bottle of wine or a 6-pack of beer, or another drink of choice is almost always a classy move.
- If you drove, don’t park like an asshole. Consider the neighbors.
- If you’re standing on the doorstep and you can hear music, it’s probably safe to just walk in (make sure you’re at the right place!). Otherwise, knock/ring doorbell.
- Party!
- Get yourself a drink and/or a plate of food if snacks are out
- Find friends and say hi! You should probably know at least one other person. How else would you have been invited?
- Explore! Hosts expect people in their house so it’s generally okay to look around, admire artwork, investigate the music, go into the backyard, etc. Don’t go anywhere that’s obviously closed off, unlit, or otherwise not a party locale.
- Talk and socialize. Meet new people! Ask your friend(s) to introduce you to their friend(s). Lightly eavesdrop on convos for something interesting you can talk about. Listen in general. Ask people what they like to do. Share stories about yourself! Pro tip: the length of your stories should be proportional to how well you know the person you’re telling it to. Just met the person? Suuuuper short stories. “No way! That reminds me of the time my cat was in the bathroom when she got hit by a car! The vet said she was very lucky to have a good friend!” (Confession: I used autocomplete to write that story)
- Dance!
- Find the host and complement their place, the party, the music, food, whatever. Just be nice. Offer to help if they look at all stressed.
- Play party games like beer pong or whatever.
- Leave! Say thanks. Take your stuff. Cleanup whatever plates/glasses you’ve used. Don’t drive drunk. Don’t overstay your welcome.
This was probably too much info. I have insomnia. I hope someone reads this.
I have some details that could supplement the outline.
Just for reference. Talk and socialise genarally take up anywhere from 80-95% of total time spent at parties. Generally most other activities include socialising even though they’re structured. Beer pong you talk about beer pong and/or make fun of people’s throws as well as just regular talking.
For neurodivergent people I recommend searching areas with fewer people, smoking is very convenient in those situations for a break between 3 sets of talking 10 minutes. Alcohol really helps too since it removes some of the talking friction. Dancing is also a good option since it’s less talking and is a structured activity that’s well received at most parties.
I enjoy parties as a charge of pace and getting rid of loneliness for example. Talking to friends and ignoring the rest is also fun but parties are exhausting imo.
As a neurodivergent person I recommend becoming acquainted with the dance floor.
You did a truly excellent job of answering the question thoroughly! Thanks for putting in so much effort, I bet this will be really helpful. ❤️
Just the right amount.
Like a story about a cat with a good friend: short but memorable
You’re not the first one saying a person should arrive late. Why is this a thing? Is it just a cultural norm in the West? Or is it a thing everywhere?
Not late late, just late enough that the host has had time to make sure everything is in order, or just to not be the first guest to show up.
Usually a party lasts at least a few hours, so showing up 30 minutes after the start of the party isn’t “being late,” it’s just showing up to a party in progress. Unless it’s a specifically scheduled “arrive at 8pm” kind of affair, in which case the host would mention it and you’d be expected to be there at that time.
I’d add it also depends on your familiarity with the host. Most hosts don’t appreciate if the first guest is a friend of a friend or distant coworker that they feel obliged to entertain while still busy with final preparations. Whereas if you’re a good friend, they can (often) feel more comfortable saying yeah make yourself at home I’ve got last minute things to do.
Because arriving at a party when there’s not many people around can be awkward especially if you aren’t already friends with the host. So you wait for more people to arrive first.
I imagine it’s an even looser norm in places outside the west, considering the west tends to view time/punctuality as more “concrete” than some others. For some of my friends born outside the west, if we tell them the actual start time of an event we shouldn’t expect them any sooner than an hour after that lol.
It’s a really weird thing and something you should carefully consider based on the type of party. The 15 minutes late advice only really applies to getting drunk parties in college.
Yeah if this party is in the Situation Room with the President, you should show up a little early.
Nothing’s quite so awkward as showing up already drunk, dressed wrong, and 25 minutes late to a special briefing about the volcano erupting in Cleveland.
God, that sounds miserable. Good to know my neurodivergent ass wasn’t missing anything.
It can be fun to meet (new) people. I think, the key is to be sincerely interested in others and don’t worry too much what they think about you.
If e.g. you are interested in programming or understanding how thinks work, it could be interesting to try to understand how other people tick. What motivates them, why etc. And if you get the impression that someone looks down on you, that’s just another point of data about the world that person is living in. So the fun can stem from broadening your horizon (or from finding common ground).
I mean, it doesn’t sound fun written out in bullets but parties are usually a great time for my own socially anxious neurodivergent ass lol. That said, besides work events, I haven’t gone to a party where I don’t already know most of the people in years. Jumping alone into a convo of strangers is my hell.
As a neurodivergent, I get through these events by pretending to be an alien anthropologist trying to blend in and study humans. Conversations are usually easy to start by asking, “So, how do you know the host?” Most people enjoy talking about themselves, so if you nod and listen, you’ll be popular.
Occasionally you’ll meet someone truly interesting. Arrange to meet with them later and follow up. This is pretty much the best way to make friends in the modern age, with intentionality.
“pretending” to be an alien anthropologist trying to blend in and study humans
There, I fixed that for you
At the “talk and socialize” bullet, I was imagining sidling up to some group I don’t know, eavesdropping on their conversation, and standing there like a creep trying to figure out the best time to say anything relevant to contribute, but failing and standing awkwardly in silence until I just walk away.
I’ll stay home, thanks.
Haha, I can definitely understand this feeling. It can be difficult to overcome! It doesn’t always “work”, and sometimes you will just stand there awkwardly. The good news is that nobody is going to care or remember. Seriously. You’re basically an NPC to people you don’t know. I’ve been to hundreds of parties in my life and have zero tangible memories of other people’s “awkward proximity”. Nobody cares about you as much as you do, which is slightly sad but majorly liberating.
Yeah same. I never know how to integrate into an existing group
Make a new group consisting of you plus the members of the existing group.
The part where you screw up is seeing yourself as a creep.
I understand others have probably said that to you enough times you just internalized it but you gotta stop believing people when they tear you down.
Good parties are wonderful, the type of party described above does sound miserable but you can choose which parties you want to attend. Personally I like parties that revolve around board games and interesting conversations where the only real social rule is to bring something: cheeses, an appetizer, weird booze, just something so all the provisions aren’t the sole duty of the host.
I’m ADHD, never investigated but scoring high on ASD assessments. It can be fun, with the right people. It wholly depends on who’s there. I’m usually with the people sitting outside, having fun conversations over a beer and/or a joint. It’s just the genetic term for “gathering where there’s food and substances”. You’ll find that you can often meet other NDs overwhelmed by the amount of people and music waiting for you over there. Chill times.
Reading comprehension seems difficult, so I’ll go over it again, quoted verbatim from my previous comment:
ADHD, never investigated but scoring high on ASD assessments
Here’s what you can deduce from this sentence:
- I’m ADHD
- I scored high on ASD assessment tests
- Never got diagnosed for it (it being ASD)
Here’s what you can’t deduce from this sentence:
- “random online tests”: the self-assessment tests I made were provided by both my family doc and official governmental health resources
- that I don’t have something because I don’t currently have an official diagnosis: do you think people with cancer don’t have cancer until a doctor says so? I spoke with professionals, but I’d need an adult assessment. Neuropsychiatric resources are already scarce for children as is it, getting an appointment for an adult over here is a rather difficult and time consuming process, for, in my case, discutable benefits
Why do you do this?
My least favorite thing in the entire universe is having to take time to explicitly spell out what I’m not saying.
I fucking hate that people can’t stop reading extra shit I didn’t write.
I’m ADHD never diagnosed scored high on random online tests
bruh
dance
Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I’m open-source; check me out at GitHub.
Own it!
The reason I like lemmy, and reddit before, is that it feels like a cocktail party. You wander into a conversation already in progress, listen awhile, maybe say something, maybe make a new human connection.
I just shat my pants
What a novel response to our discussion on inflation. Oh you must come to my soiree next Sunday, I find your opinions riveting!
I fart and leave.
Did someone fart in here? These replies stink
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You basically hide in the kitchen with the other kitchen hiding people until the party ends, particularly when someone in the living room picks up an acoustic guitar.
This is what you do when you’re invited to a party where you either just know the host or are a +1.
We need to ban the acoustic guitar players from parties. They’re vibe killers and they don’t even realize it.
Who actually wants to sit around in a silent group to watch some guy or girl sing a slow acoustic cover of Bruce Springsteen?
I love guitars at parties. You don’t play with the intention of being the focus of everyone’s attention, but rather to provide some background music to fit the mood of the ongoing conversation around you.
I have so much respect for musicians who can play in the background
If getting drunk around a campfire counts as a party, that ban needs an exception. If the bluetooth speakers are dead at 2am, someone pulling out a guitar is the best thing that can happen.
The silence is the issue. I usually hum or sing along or give song recommendations.
(My friends are disproportionately likely to be musicians.)
(Sorry I kinda alternate between second and first person, between recounting experience of what I do and giving advice, may make for a weird read so apologies in advance)
For me house party or bar it’s usually:
- arrive roughly half an hour to an hour late. (If it’s a close friend’s party however I’ll arrive early or on time to help set up and kick the party off right, decent friend maybe 15 mins late)
- try to find the host and say hi, if they’re occupied talking to someone else, then no worries, give them a wave and hopefully circle back at a better time (if the host knows you’ve arrived, and they’re a good host, they may help introduce you to people later e.g. they say to whoever they’re currently talking to “Oh my mate luklmy is here, he also has a beagle, I’ll introduce you!”. This gives them a chance to catch up with you, introduce you to someone new, and then excuse themselves to work the room
- a good opener is “Hey I’m YYYY, how do you know [host’s name]?” it gives you a bit of an insight into the person (are they a school mate? Diving buddy? Valorant squad member?) and your first springboard into a conversation. If they don’t have a good thread to pull at, then it’ll turn to you to share how you know the host. It can be good to roll into anecdotes from here e.g. “[Host name] was such a brat at school, did she tell you the time that…” or “[Host name] is a beast at Valorant but she wouldn’t let on, last night it was 3v1…”. That’ll give you the threads to continue
- it can also be good, when appropriate, to ask “Hey do you know anyone else at this party?” and give them a chance to point out more people, or call them over into the conversation, now rather than a one on one convo, you’ll have a bit of a group convo going on. You may be involved (great! You’re meeting more people) or you may get kind of closed out as they talk about in group stuff. If the latter then no worries, you can make a clean exit by saying “Hey it was nice talking to you all, I’m gunna go say hi to those people over there” you could even double back to see if the host is free
- if a conversation is going well and we’re vibing, I may say something like “Hey can I get you a drink? Do you know where the esky/fridge is?” or “I’ll go grab us some chips. Which way is the kitchen?” or whatever then make my way over. With any luck there may be someone at the esky who I can strike up a convo with, and if they also seem cool then say “Hey come over and meet [person you were just talking to]”. The person you were just talking too as well may have started talking to someone new in the time you were going to get a drink, so you’ve got another person to meet straight when you come back! Too easy!
- if a conversation is getting stale or going poorly you can break it off in a few ways. Similar to the above you can say “Hey it’s been really nice talking to you, I’m gunna go say hi to person over there/get myself a refill/check up on the barbecue/dip my toes in the pool/find the bathroom” then go do that thing (you don’t want to be the person who ends a conversation, then walks around the corner to stare at their phone, then the person you were talking to comes around and sees you.
- If you smoke, you can take a smoke break. Honestly, this is terrible advice, but I was a social smoker because it gave me a ready excuse to break from a noisy party. You’ve also got a ready made group of people to meet. Even if you don’t smoke, you can go hang out with them with the line “Hey I’m just gunna go get some fresh air” then make your way outside.
There’s a bit of ebb and flow at the start of the party as the vibes settle in. As you probably noticed there’s a lot of making polite excuses to move around the party or draw more people into your convo if you prefer that. Once convos get big enough and people have put away a few drinks you may get people suggesting drinking games or Smash Bros or a dip in the pool or whatever it may be. It’s fun to get involved.
For me, if I’m drinking, I may hit a point of being buzzed enough that it feels like second nature, I become a lot less self conscious, and enough stuff is happening around me to react to that things don’t require effort to get going.
If however I’ve had a few drinks and things don’t take off, and everything still feels stilted despite my best efforts, I’ll probably just call it a night. I’ll find the host if I can and make an excuse (Have to feed the cat/last train home/visiting my parents tomorrow) if it’s a good friend I may say as much “Hey man just not feeling it this evening, gunna make an early mark, thanks for throwing the party”. On the way out, if there was anyone I particularly enjoyed talking to, I’ll make sure to say goodbye and if I haven’t already I’ll ask for their contact.
As dasharezone says, if you’re not feeling it you can just hit the bricks.
Hope this makes sense, it’s kind of a base format that is essential to most kinds of standing party, alcohol or none, daytime or night.
How did you learn all this? I’m 41 and still have no party skills. My go-to is to make friends with the host’s pets.
Yeah pretty much what @InputZero@lemmy.ml said (thanks, I was snoozing so couldn’t reply).
I wanted to learn because I’m introverted and have social anxiety too.
I kinda forced myself to be sociable during uni: I volunteered, I went to clubs and societies parties, I went to faculty networking events. After uni I hosted a couple of meetups and continued with some voluntary roles in the organisations I’d joined during uni. In my early stage career I had to attend some work events too. Over that time there were friends’ birthdays, impromptu parties etc. I live in a large city so there’s always something going on.
Throughout this I wanted to find a low friction approach that helped me meet people that didn’t leave me totally wrung out at the end of the evening (just less wrung out). I find intense one on one convos to be interesting but more draining. If I went to a party and hit a half hour intense convo out of the gate, then I wouldn’t last long. I found if I didn’t move around then there would be a high chance I’d get engaged in a long convo, or find myself on my own getting increasingly self conscious. So I had to find out something that worked for me.
But yes, for me it was practice. It’s also important not to get too formulaic. You don’t want to turn the party into a networking event where you try to meet as many people as possible and grill them with a stock list of questions. (You also don’t want to do that at a networking event, either…).
It’s also kind of a like that Groucho Marx quote but taken positively vis “I’m happy to be a member of any party that will have me”. If you’re there, then you’re the kind of person who belongs there. There’s all sorts of people at a party including people like you who are making an effort™ but you won’t know who they are until you meet them.
Hanging out with the host’s pet is fine :) for a party ultimately it’s just a chance for the host to bring their favourite people together to enjoy themselves, if you’re the kind of person the host is friends with, then you’ve got a good chance of having something in common with the host’s other friends you haven’t met yet.
I’ll say again, it’s kinda horses for courses at a party. My way of navigating a party is a rule of thumb I’ve devised for myself over time, and some other people follow a similar vein for their own reasons. If you do find an activity you enjoy lots, or get into a really interesting discussion with only one person that evening that you both enjoy, then that’s cool too! Nobody’s really there to enforce everyone has to enjoy it in the same way. If you had fun, then you came out ahead.
Oh, hello there, future me
I’ll step in, failures. A lot, and I mean a lot of failures. It takes a while to learn that there’s and ebe and flow to a party, a lot of people feel pressured to always be interesting at a party. Not possible, embrace the flow and learn to let the ebe pass by. I have done sooooo many embarrassing things at a party but you know what, I’m not dead. I’m not an outcast. None of those predictions happened.
Also know when to go home. Every party will hit one of two points late into the night, either the party will run out of gas or it’ll rev up. Either way, go home. Nothing good ever happens after 3:00 am.
This reminds me of a fun story:
I have this super extroverted friend that I would sometimes take to parties. He was from another town and he would visit me while I was in university. I’d roll up to a party where I knew maybe a handful of people, and this mf by the end would be friends with everyone there.
His fun little party trick was introducing himself to everyone and then remembering their names and then introducing everyone else to each other. “Oh hey Jackie, have you met David?” Either they didn’t and he became a big social hub at the party or worse-case they’d already known each other for 10 years and it was this hilarious joke. It was very fun.
He introduced me to so many people that would ask after him, like “where’s your crazy friend? He was funny.”
Basically, if possible, I highly recommend taking an extrovert with you.
Definitely! Wingmates aren’t just for hookups.
Drink, talk, play games, share music. If I don’t know many people, it’s normal for your friends to be socialising with a bunch of other people they know. I usually grab a beer, look for two or three friendly people sitting down, have a sit, tell them my name, and tell them I know no one except that guy surrounded by a bunch of strangers. Almost always they’re friendly back, start asking questions about me, I ask question about them, and soon enough we’ve reached a common ground or some topic we can talk about.
If I’m ever stuck alone again, I can seek them out like, “Yup, it’s happened again so I’m just gonna hang around you guys so I don’t feel weird.” And that’s always quite a laugh.
Extroverts are your best friends in these situations. Most love leading the conversation and appreciate you seek them out. They’ll take care of you. It’s not awkward at all.
Is that you, Zuckerberg?
It sucks.
The hoods and cloaks are claustrophobic and hot. They don’t serve any food. There’s a lot of chanting and singing in Latin.
Everyone has to do this choreographed routine involving raising their arms at the right time and marching to different places and standing still.
You aren’t allowed to talk or anything, unless you’re running the shindig.
It’s basically a bunch of that until the goat gets sacrificed, and then at least one of the members will have some sort of seizure or something, and it’s overly dramatic.
It’s kind of cool when the dude spontaneously catches on fire until they start walking between the acolytes and giving their ‘blessing.’
Then there’s the week of lost time afterwards where you have no idea what your body is being used for, or even which entity is using it. Almost got fired one time for that.
And you’re bound to ruin a few outfits with random blood stains, tears, dirt marks.
3/10.
Sometimes we get to eat part of the goat though, but it’s raw. So I guess that kind of makes up for the no food.
But how do you determine if you accidentally wandered into a Kubrick set?
Try the kool-aid next time!
Yeah I know the bestowed ones get to drink the goat blood but after sweating in the cloak for an hour, blood is the last thing you want to drink.
Here try this
It’s grape
It’s a social gathering. Of a specific group of people. The difference between a party, and a group lunch, is basically the time frames, and a more curated group of people tend to go to a party. Whereas a lunch tends to be who’s available.
Parties tend to be some celebration, which is a human social norm, but really the reason for the party is less important than the social interaction. Humans need periodic social contact to maintain relationships, and parties are a good avenue for that.
There’s a whole spectrum of parties, there’s dance parties, there’s drug parties, there’s alcohol parties, there’s board game parties, there’s beer parties, there’s dinner parties, there’s anything. Any form of human social engagement could be a party.
Just think of parties as a way to maintain your social standing, and refresh relationship status, with a group of related people at once. So it’s very efficient in that regard.
Good description.
A party is also simply an opportunity for people to get together, to hang out together, to catch up on what the other people have done or experienced recently, and to tell/brag/complain about your own life.
This is how you maintain friendships: keep in touch, have a half-decent understanding of what their life is like, and share their ups&downs as well as your own.
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You can either walk around and talk to people (most people are receptive to being spoken to) or nervously hold your drink in hand, as you wait for someone to approach you.
Personally I prefer the former. If I’m by myself I just look for someone who seems nervous and uncomfortable. I’m friendly, and as long as I’m in a good mood I tend to make people feel comfortable around me- but I have had times where I just stand there. Standing and waiting is highly unpleasant. Better to hide in the bathroom if that’s what you’ll be doing instead of chatting. Highly recommend chatting or “mingling”
(If someone is lame, boring or seems uninterested, just approach someone else. Most groups will also make a space for you if you approach them in the event that there are no loners)
This part is hard but you need to push yourself through it. The worst thing that can happen is that no conversation develops and you have to do it again.
Another favorite of mine is walking around to see what different groups are talking about. If there’s a topic that you know about, just ask them if that’s indeed the topic of the conversation and if it is, you just joined.
From an autistic person’s perspective who generally enjoys parties: (autistic person with both extroversion and social anxiety) The main goal is to establish and strengthen social relationships. There are a few other goals and notes the support this goal, but if you do not wish to do this, then do not go to the party.
Secondary Goals:
- Survive. Typically, you don’t want to come away from a party feeling like its damaged either your emotional state or relationships. If this means taking a noise break so you don’t melt down in the middle of the party, so be it. Phrases like “I’m just taking a sound break, it feels kinda oppressive in there.” if anyone questions it. This doesn’t have to be music, it can be people’s voices reflecting off walls as people try to talk over each other. If there’s a drinking game and you’re asking this question, try not to win or lose. Be in the middle.
- Vibe. At some stage or another, it entered into my head that reading other people’s social needs and responding to them was somehow manipulative. Maybe it is or isn’t, but try to pay attention to the energy of the room. If people are talking about a board game or their kids first day at school, don’t drop your hot take about Palestine. There are definitely parties where that conversation is the go, though.
- Push medium and long term responsibilities from your mind. For the next few hours, you don’t have taxes or homework unless someone wants to commiserate about them with you. Commit an amount of time afterwards to unwinding as well (or having a hangover). You and everyone else here is trying to use their leisure time.
After that, there’s a bunch of party specific activities that serve these goals:
- Conversation: Obviously. Hypothetically, you might have a standard group of friends that you hang out with on discord and play video games with. While it’s fine to chit chat with them, this is not super different to voice chat. Try to engage with a new person or two, move between groups. Typically, people will gravitate towards the more interesting, outgoing, and/or hotter people at the party. This is fine for you to do as well, but be aware of whether you’re monopolising someone’s time, or they clearly want to end the conversation. If you have a special interest, try to talk about something else unless people want to know about it.
- Drinking: This is a cultural thing, but drinking in moderation can lower social anxiety a bit. Depending on your experience with drinking by yourself, bring your own drinks. You don’t want to get too drunk (risky, embarrassing), and you don’t want to be in a corner sipping drinks all night (some of the night is fine). Be wary of anyone who wants to get you drunk (especially you specifically). Also, watch your drinks.
- Dancing: Not my wheelhouse, but in some cultures its extremely weird if you don’t dance. I don’t have any advice here.
- Others: Board games, bad movies, asshole playing guitar in the living room etc. These are all fine and normal, but remember they should be bouncing off points for chill conversation. Don’t be too competitive or whatever.
Ideally, after a party, you’ll have a few new people to talk to regularly, and may get invited back to future parties or other social functions (hiking, video game groups, a roleplaying game etc). Don’t jump down anyone’s throat after the party with conversation unless they were really really into you. They probably are not.
Talk about themselves while trying to make it seem like they are asking about you.
“So, you ever been to Mt Everest?”
“Oh, no… … … You?”
“Ah yeah man, it was like a religious experience. You have to go. It will change your life.”
“Oh neat. I’ll keep it in mind.”
“You ever been skydiving?”
FML
This guy parties.
If you’ve ever been to a festival or fair, think of it as a miniature version of that. It’s mostly just a hangout for people to do fun things they wouldn’t do everyday, since they feel the day is exceptional.
You have a drink in your hand, you go “oh hey it’s Alex how have you been man?”
Alex tells you about his new hobby.
You gesture to your friend “hey Alex have you met Jamie?”
Alex and Jamie get to know each other.
Rinse and repeat.
Jamie meets a friend and starts chatting. You awkwardly stand beside Jamie taking sips of your beer until Jamie says “hey Andrea have you met my friend 420?”
You introduce yourself.
After a while everyone has met and had a few drinks and some good music starts playing and you start dancing in the dance floor. At first it’s very self conscious but after several songs and another drink you start vibing.
I don’t know about people, but for me, in the parties I attended, it was various mixes of talking, drinking alcohol, eating, playing games, listening to music, and dancing. No activity was mandatory. Usually there’s always talking, drinking and alcohol, the rest depends on the party.
