So I texted my mom last night that I think it’s likely that I have autism. Then she texted back that she has always suspected that I have autism since I was little kid and that she loves me. I felt very validated and happy that it went better than expected although somewhat upset that she never did anything to help me.
However this morning I woke up to a text from her insisting that I don’t actually have autism and I’m just lazy and over sensitive and that I need to get over myself and I have spent a lot of time crying in bed today.
[TW: Transphobia]
She’s done this before which is why I was so nervous to tell her. When I came out to her as a trans woman she initially said nice things to me, but then the next day she started ranting about “why couldn’t you just be a gay man” or “no one will ever love you if you’re trans.” It took her several years to come around and actually accept me.
All I really wanted from her was understanding, but she just gave me a lot of self-doubt and sadness instead.
Edit: Thank you all for your support, I really appreciate it ❤️🫂
Seems like her initial reaction is from the gut with love and support.
And then maybe she searches and “researches” the topic and starts spouting bullshit, and doesn’t have the appropriate social filters.
Feel free to call her out on these things. Highlight the instances where she has initially been supportive, and then u-turned into harmful communication.
Ultimately, this is about communicating these scenarios with her. Hopefully she can modify her behaviours.
I know I have changed my behaviour significantly when people have done that with me, and I have noticed the same with my parents when I call them out on things.
It’s just human.
It’s possible that she has undiagnosed conditions.
Might be that you notice some markers of this when talking to her about your concerns.
Or it’s possible that she is researching in the wrong way and in the wrong places (maybe a “mom group” which is actually a toxic environment).
Which will also become apparent when discussing the topic (“you said you thought I might have autism last night, but this morning you said I was lazy. I’m trying to figure this thing out and you have a perspective on my life I don’t. Saying one thing that validates my concerns, then saying a hurtful opposite thing less than 12 hours later both makes me seriously doubt myself and my experiences and makes me feel really unloved and unsupported. Why did you change your tune?” sort of thing).
At which point you have to decide if you:
want to try and correct their news/research sources;
accept that they will prioritise their shitty “research” over their actual experience - basically not rely on them for support and disregard their opinion, but still love them;
or cut them out of your life.
There is also the possibility that she is toxic, but her initial support comes from biological “love and support”.
You don’t owe her anything, and - if through communication about the issue - you figure out she is toxic, then it’s fine to reduce/eliminate your reliance/relationship/contact with her.
Ultimately, her opinion doesn’t matter. She isn’t a psychologist or a medical doctor. If you think something is wrong, you need to talk to people that have studied the subject.
Talk to a professional, and keep going until you feel heard. Don’t give up until you feel heard and understood.
Thank you ❤️🫂