Because workers dont pick the low-paid shitty job when there is jobs they can do just as easily that pay higher.
Why work with low pay in retail when you can work in a plant on a production robot after a few days of training? The plant job most likely pays more, because the productivity is higher due to automation.
Retail can’t become more productive because you can’t automate it, yet you have to raise wages to make workers consider retail.
You’re asking others to provide you with a social life.
I do believe that you’re trying your best, but you’re not entitled to have others want to hang out with you. If they wanted to, then you’re right and you did your part. But what if they don’t want to? Do they have to change themselves just for you to have a social life?
I’m not gonna lie, you’re entitled attitude here makes me feel like you are not pleasant to be around. I may be misreading you, but I’m getting major incel vibes. Here’s the thing: you trying to make friends doesn’t mean they have to reciprocrate.
You are not entitled to have otherslike you or want to hang out with you. Your desire for a social and romantic life is valid and understandable, but that is on your side. The world does not have to care about it, as hard as it sounds.
For what it’s worth, it took me until my mid-thirties to actually find a social circle. More than 3/4 of my life I struggled just as you. Stop expecting from the world to bend over backwards for you, work on your attitudes and on accepting that even though you gave it your best shot these people may not be friend material. If that happwns, move on.
Don’t try to hang out with people because you want to make friends. Hang out with people because you want to do something interesting. Shift your focus from making friends to simply enjoying the time. I don’t know what your interests are, but you can join a movie club if you area movie nerd, you can try geocaching if that tickles your fancy, go running… whatever activity you enjoy. Once the pressure on yourself is gone from “I have to make friends” chances are you will be much more relaxed and approachable.
People are not a tool to get a social life. A social life happens when you do things you enjoy and you find people who share that passion on the way.
I usually tell people that I’m not too sensitive, but simply more sensitive than others like themselves, and that they just don’t want to be considerate because it inconveniences them.
Lots of people get super flustered when that gets stated calmly and without much emotion. The key is not to yell or get emotionally, but to state it very calmly.
That way, they can’t retort with personal attacks and actually have to address what I said. Usually they point out that others are not as sensitive, or that the world doesnt revolve around me. My reply in those cases depends on the situation. It could be something like “That’s true, but I’m not other people, and this noise bothers me. Why is it so important to you to keep making it?”
If it is a family member, I try to point out that this is my home and I would like to be comfortable there, and I would try to figure out how to find a compromise.
When you are more calm, take him aside and ask him to respect your preference. Asking for a reason why is not respecting it. He can always ask for a reason, but if you can’t give him one, he still needs to accept that you have a preference. It also does not matter if he agrees or understands.
Edit: typo.
Yay, more Konsi!
hugs well, now you know: you’re not lazy, this is your brain working against you. I found bribing myself with something I enjoy after I did one thing I don’t helps. It’s like giving my stubborn brainchild a lolli :)
Not the person you asked, but I always felt guilty for “claiming” a diagnosis, long after it was official. What if the doc was wrong? What if I’m just too lazy and need to get my shit together? Surely I’m just looking for excuses, because that’s what had been drilled into my head for over 30 years: I can’t be that exhausted, I’m just trying to get out of doing what I’m supposed to.
It’s a weird thing to use the word imposter syndrome on a diagnosis, but that’s exactly what it felt like. I don’t deserve a valid “excuse”. I am conning everyone into cutting me some slack when I’m really just lazy. Took me years of therapy - and, honestly, a job where they tell me I’m doing a lot and supporting my team, even though I still feel like I don’t do anything. The brainwashing is strong when you’re late-diagnosed :(
I’m grateful for my adult diagnosis (at age 35) because all of a sudden things made sense. I wasn’t being lazy - people liked to call me that, because on a good day with a topic that interests me I will outperform most people. The logical conclusion was if I can do it once, i can do it all the time, and when my performance is subpar it must be because I’m lazy.
The diagnosis has become my shield and armor. I’m not lazy, my brain just refuses to engage on things that do not interest me. There’s no way I’ll ever get economics, and it’s not because I’m lazy.
It helped me be kind to myself and adjust my plans and choices to my nourology. I may be shitty at economics and in being tactful with people, but I’m a great softwaretester, because I do care about people and want to help avoid making people cranky with dumb mistakes in software. The helpless rage I get from a piece of malfunctioning software is something I want to minimize.
Instead of struggling I enjoy my work now, and having a diagnosis allows me to communicate to people what to expect. I can’t read between the lines - if you want me to do A, tell me so. Don’t mention to me that B and C need someone that needs doing, because I may or may not get you want me to do that - but I sure as hell won’t get that you also want me to do A, even if it is a prerequisite.
I’m able to say that I work better with a dark, quiet place, so please don’t seat me next to the person who has meetings all day. I can probably work without these accomodations, but I’ll be miserable and my work quality will be poor.
Coming back to your question: you don’t need a diagnosis per se. I know people that I suspect are autistic but they would probably feel worse knowing it. But what I think you should do is read up on autism like crazy. For your kid, but also for yourself. Read accounts from autistic people, look for autistic spaces. There’s plenty of organizations that care for profit and not for actually helping autistic people.
What you will gain is insight into how autistics manage life, what helps them, and youecaneuse that knowledge to help your kid and maybe even find ways to improve your environment. Even if you feel well-adjusted, maybe understanding why something works for you and how youecan make it better can help.
The benefit in the diagnosis for me was understanding myself and the ability to adjust my environment to my needs. For me, the diagnosis is incredibly helpful, but for you and your unique situation, it may not. I heard from people in other places that an official diagnosis has negative legal effects on them. Go research, take away what you need, and once you digested the idea and feel you understand more about it ask yourself again if a diagnosis could benefit you.
You’ve lived so long without, a year or two probably won’t make a difference. If anything, hopefully more doctors are aware of autism and able to successfully diagnose you.
Not officially diagnosed with ADD (on a waitlist though) but autistic, and I second that. I constantly feel like I’m too lazy and yet I got my current job through an internship. It was supposed to last three months and I got an of#er three weeks in, because they were so impressed with my willingness to perform.
I was very bewildered. I still have to remind myself of that when I feel like I’m not getting shit done because my mind refuses to cooperate. What I can convince myself of by now is that those moments are the productivity normal for most people and that even when I’m like that my productivity is high enough - especially because that is usually the moment when I look into things that are not the absolute core of my job.
I’m a test automation engineer, but people explicitly want me to not just automate, but also care for quality topics as a whole, so reading relevant blogs and security news and feeding that back into the team is part of my job.
Still often feel guilty about that, but my boss repeatedly told me I’m absolutely overachieving and fulfilling the job more than he hoped for.
For me, there’s two takeaways:
The author acknowledges that if you know one autistic, you know one autistic - just like with neurotypical people - and then proceeds to call for us to become one bloc where everyone loves everyone else.
It’s not gonna happen, for the simple reason thät autistics are so diverse. We all know that. It’s the same as asking for all humans to hug and get along because we’re all humans.
It’s one thing to long to be accepted, but another to expect it to happen without a healthy pre-selection. Find the right people and they will accept you. Cast your net to wide and you will be disappointed.
I don’t know you or anything about you but what you said, but holy shit. If I was in your care, I would end up more traumatized than before.
Boundaries are a thing. If people refuse to accept boundaries, as some therapist and especially nurses like very much to do, they are toxic. If someone tells you they don’t want to be interrupted sometimes, respect that. Don’t go all “I know what’s best for you”, unless yop’re talking to a literal child - and even then think about whether you’re just telling the child what to do because you don’t think it should be doing what it wants or because it’s really better for the kid.
Some people need alone time. It’s called introversion. An international trip with constant blabbering sounds like a nightmare. I’m imagining they had booked a double room with no option for OP to withdraw. I would melt down in two days.
Not everyone is maladapted and blaming others. Some people have good reason for what you deem unreasonable demands. I don’t know if your client are full-blown adults or have a handicap where their judgement is impaired somewhat, but I want to encourage you to stop and think whether what you’re teaching them actually helps them and fits their individual needs or whether you you think you figured out a blanket approach that you try to get everyone to follow, no matter their mental needs.
Edit: I, too, have a relationship, a great circle of friends and a well-paying full-time job, if you want to claim authorities in something here. And I do set healthy boundaries like OP does. There is no one-size-fits-all.
I’m kinda frowning at the thought that you requiring time to yourself and taking care of yourself is avoiding demands. If my therapist told me that I’d rip him a new one. Thankfully he doesn’t and actually encourages me to remove myself from unhealthy situations.
My social battery isn’t endless. My processing ability isn’t endless. I recharge both by spending time alone in my thoughts and hopefully getting into a flow state with whatever I’m doing.
I’m lucky enough that I have a job where that happens - I’m partially able to offset the social and mental cost of a job by simply working. But other than that I allow myself to not be productive.
My awesome therapist once prescribed me to get bored. Sit on the couch, stare out the window and try not to do anything. My brain needs that time to process everything happening during the day. Scrolling the web, comics, news that interest me? Also helping to process and get lost in a flow state.
Once I started allowing myself that, I fell asleep much better, because the input throughout the day gets processed througout the day and not at night. If you always keep busy, try to always be productive, the whole input waiting to be processed builds up like water behind a dam. Once you lay down, the dam breaks and you can’t stop. It’s not a bad habit to break. It’s just a necessity for your brain to do.
If you’re anything like me, the only thing you’re doing “wrong” is not creating little islands of boredom and flow. If people refuse to accept that, they are the problem. They are crossing boundaries without a second thought. They may think they are helpful but they are not. To me it sounds like you are having your best interest in mind and acting on it despite this weird feeling of “but they love me, I should be grateful”.
Love is about a lot of things, and respect is a big one. If boundaries are ignored, these people are acting toxic. I know this feels unhelpful, because you want human connection, but imho these people most likely took more out of you than they gave you. Maybe your friend has his own issues that make him not able to shut up, but it can’t be you who pays the price. Maybe that girl thought you need someone to take care of you and who knows better than you and guide you through life, and that’s why she nagged.
Long story short: no matter the intention, not everyone who cares about you will be actually helpful. Not everything is your fault. Keep doing you, identify your needs, communicate them (it sounds like you already did that, which is huge) and then enforce them.
From what you mentioned, I actually think you’re doing great. Took me years of therapy to get to that point.
I always thought it was just not possible to measure the state without changing it, so we have no way of even guessing. Schrödinger’s Cat is actually a terrible analogy imho, I always liked to think of it like christmas presents - you don’t know what the inside looks like until you open it. It could be anything!
But then again, once we open it we know it has always been that. Maybe a chameleon in a box and we can’t know what color it had at a given time, even if we open it later? :::
That’s the official version, but at least when I talk about some average dude it’s way too long and artificial, I don’t think the name Mustermann actually exists.
When I think of the most common name to use in casual conversation, I’d probably go for Müller (maybe Peter? Though the first name is probably heavily generation-dependent).
In older publication you may alse find references to “der deutsche Michel” (the german Michel, short for Michael) as a somewhat condescending reference to the average citizen who is very hesitant to adopt new concepts and tech and not always able or willing to understand complex concepts. Often used to remark that a product/idea will not have a chance on the market because “der deutsche Michel” doesn’t see the pointor would never pick it up.
Haven’t seen that in a while though, I guess Germans have become more open to new stuff :)
Serious question: how do you manage not to lose the organizers, and how do you remember to add stuff to it?
It always works a few days for me then I forget to bring it or add stuff and when I remember I feel like I ruined everything cause now there’s a gaping hole of nothing in it and don’t go back to it :(