The funniest Out of Game moment I have ever had at the table was in my previous IRL group. We rotated who was in the DM chair, but this session our host, lets call him Phillip Barker, was running his Pathfinder campaign. The problem player, a hustlebro i shall name Emmett Roe, decides to flirt with an NPC. Phillip reciprocates but reveals the character is asexual. Emmett lost his shit, calling Phillip r♡♡♡♡♡♡d and asking “why are there f♡♡♡♡ts everywhere now” and yelling something dumb about genders and mental illness. Phillip calmly pulls down one of his zweihanders from a display rack and unsheathes it, walks over to him, and tells him “You’re going to leave now.” Emmett leaves, Phillip sits back down, and we continue the game as if Emmet was never there.

This group, by the way, was the worst I have ever been in. I have never felt so lonely in a crowded room before. I’ve provided bios of the players below, including myself, with fake names taken from famous people. Have fun figuring out which one is me!

1. Phillip Barker (19): Does not smoke, but drinks and pretends to be a wine snob. Ran Shadowrun 5e and a homebrew PF1e campaign, and uses an old-school impartial referee mindset behind the screen. Hes also autistic, which mainly shows in him through rigid ethics about fairness. As a player, he was the Heart of the group, and kept our in-game squabbles from getting the game off-track or spilling over to real life. His Pathfinder campaign had lots of diverse groups that were fairly represented, and whenever an NPC judged one of our rainbow-flavored party members it was clear that this was the character being an asshole, not him. He put a lot of work into his sessions, sometimes extending to making a whole soundboard for background music, and he made sure to incorporate each of our characters into the plot in an organic way. Out of game, he was an aspiring catholic priest, and boy was he living up to the stereotype. He made a suspicious number of jokes about being both a nationalist and a socialist and therefore being a national socialist (he definitely was not a socialist), was a big fan of several ““alt-right”” personalities, made several very racist and homophobic jokes in public, tried to flirt with another player’s underage little sister, and tries to hide the fact that he thinks most of the other players are going to hell for their sexuality. But he’s also super hot, so at the time I thought that balanced out.

2. Emmett Roe (19): Shadowrun DM, is a bit of a railroader. Looked like he was about 12 years old. Bullied me in high school, and has not significantly changed. After being kicked out, he cofounded a FLGS with his dad, but at this time his gigachad sigma male grindset was flipping Funko Pops.

3. Dave Arneston (19): The main Shadowrun DM, uses a “DM as Ringmaster/Entertainer” mindset. Autistic bisexual twink, and a hot one at that. Smokes, drinks, deals drugs. Dropped out of college, possibly because of the drugs. Is the reason Phillip has a “no smoking indoors” rule. Ran horror sessions that literally gave me nightmares. Dude method acts his characters. When he’s playing, you are going to be sitting at the table with his character until the session is over.

4. Pablo Pineda (21): An AuDHD Shadowrun DM, uses a “DM as mediator/collaborator” mindset. Bisexual, but in denial about it even though he was dating a guy at the time. Does not drink or do any chemically addictive drugs. Dropped out of college after 1 semester because he didn’t do any classwork and expected to just coast through, but maintains he’s just “on a gap year” when questioned about it. Cannot stick with one fucking character for longer than a fucking month. Preferred to run heists with unusual stakes, locations, or macguffins. Had no social life outside of the game and was still doing the job he had in high school. Would engage in distracting sensory-seeking behaviors during game sessions; for example, during one session he wedged a d4 up his nose and had to go to urgent care to get it out. Overall, I would say that Pablo ruined my enjoyment of the actual game the most.

5. Henry Cavendish (19): Audience member. Does not smoke, drink, express feelings, or roleplay. Stereotypical autist. Plays a human fighter whenever possible. Keeps breaking up with Amy and getting back together. Usually a helpful person. On that sigma grindset with his long-term life plan.

6. Amy Winehouse (18): Femme-presenting nonbinary pansexual disaster. (she/them, prefers femme pronouns) Smoked weed to self-medicate, often while driving since driving scares her. As a result, she was generally too blasted during game sessions to read her character sheet or the tiny numbers on the dice. Also had trouble with maintaining a job, which resulted in periodic homelessness.

7. Theresa Berkley (19): Was Amy’s best friend, and was invited by Amy. Vapes and drinks. The dudes all very much liked her gigantic tiddies her personality.

Unfortunately, no actual horror stories happened in this group. There were bad moments, and there were horrifying moments, but thats all they were: moments. So, here’s a short list of the moments i can remember:

● As stated above, Henry and Amy would break up and get together repeatedly. When they were together, they would sit together snuggling, and Henry would help out Amy when her high ass needed support. When they were broken up, Amy was on her own. This resulted in a sad space of time when Henry had helped Amy make an Alchemist which exploited some complex rules interactions, but then let her just flounder after they broke up. He also went well out of his way to scare off any potential partner that might replace him when they broke up; Amy has told me about how she would be at a rave flirting with some hottie and suddenly Henry is right there calling her Babe and Honey until his competitor backs off. Apparently he used to only chase off men, but after Amy called him on this he worked on his internalized homophobia and now he walls her off from all partners equally. (Good for him, I guess?) This effectively made him the only option, and when they got back together he would smother her with appreciation and love. Carrot and stick, like a fucking cult leader.

● In our Shadowrun campaign, Emmett founded a Corp for our runners to work for. Normally, this would be mostly fine, especially for a group like ours. What wasn’t fine was all the times an in-game argument would be resolved with Emmett’s character saying “You work for me!”.

● Dave had a habit of not prepping for his sessions. Fair, he’s got a life, he’s hustling the good stuff and holding down a day job too. But this is Shadowrun! You have the material plane, the astral plane, and the Matrix to keep track of! You’ve got one player that has a bow that can shoot through walls, one player with a high-specced cyberdeck and a lot of experience using it, a vampire that can turn into mist and astral project, a guy who is basically We Have Tony Stark At Home, and a character who gets closer to being Robocop with every paycheck. You can’t show up and wing it, because there are 5-6 of us and one of you. We can both outsmart you and outstupid you at the same time!

● Pablo’s characters tend to make the table uncomfortable or be awkward to play with. Examples:

○ A human fighter going through a midlife crisis. He has a wife and child at home who think he is going on a business trip, when in reality he is putting his life in danger on a daily basis and bedding any woman he can seduce. This character was actually pretty similar to many of the other players’ actual parents, and was retired unceremoniously after he made Amy cry.

○ A dissonant technomancer. In Shadowrun, technomancers work their computer magic through Resonance, which is essentially the light side of the force. Dissonance is like the dark side, which encourages destruction, chaos, and insanity. Importantly, the compulsion to destroy vanishes the moment you unplug. Pablo spent a lot of time thinking about how to manage what is in effect a chronic illness when buying equipment. This made Amy uncomfortable because she plays to escape the reality of having a chronic illness. Phillip, on the other hand, was made uncomfortable by the murder hobo hacker they had to work with, since this caused interparty conflict and he Is Not Down With That.

○ His first Shadowrun character was a troll who had a very chaotic relationship with his size queen orc girlfriend. Their on-and-off relationship prompted the rest of the group to make fun of Amy and Henry for a bit. He also got some criticism from Phillip for establishing that the orc girlfriend was only dating him because he had a massive dong with subdermal cartilaginous bumps and ridges, but Dave LOVED role-playing the GF and made her existence a part of several sessions until Amy told him that sex stuff made her uncomfortable at the table.

● Pablo also used his (metal) dice as fidget toys, often loudly, sometimes disruptively. There were multiple times he has flung a d6 across the table in the middle if tense rp, and multiple times he had to be asked to stop shaking and rolling his (metal) dice when his characters weren’t active. He also tended to chew on his nonmetal dice, especially his d20s.

● Pablo had a serious caffeine addiction. Like, it was actually a problem. He needed an intervention. The games often started at 7, 8, or 9 PM, and would show up with one or two thermoses of black coffee and drink it all before the session was over. He was often so jittery from the coffee that he couldn’t focus during RP, and he often went without sleep (which probably made everything worse) to the point where he was hallucinating quite often. He bragged about this, like it was something to be proud of. Thankfully, when Covid hit he went cold turkey for all of quarantine, which fixed the problem.

● During one of Amy’s unhoused periods, Phillip let her stay in his spare room in exchange for sex. She took him up on this, because what the fuck was she supposed to do? She had no job and no car at the time! So, she accepts, and Henry finds out and dumps her for it.

● Around the time that Amy invited Theresa to the table, they started renting a house together. For context, Amy had previously gotten back together with Henry after he forgave her for the previous story, but have at the time of this story once again broken up. Amy and Theresa had some problems with the basement. They would hear bumps, bangs, and the sounds of movement. This freaks them out so much one night that they call Henry, who tells them “You’re not my gf so you’re not my problem”. Amy then calls Pablo, who drives over at 2 AM and helps them clear out their basement until they feel safe. They continue having problems, and eventually determine that there is something evil down there. To fix this, they get Phillip to come over and exorcise their demonic basement, which works. Basement is no longer evil. They eventually lose the house because Theresa made all the bills Amy’s responsibility to pay and did not contribute anything other than drama.

● You may notice I sound like I hate Theresa as a person, which would be an accurate statement. As a DM, she was infuriating to run for, mainly because she was so dependant on her vape that she would ask for a smoke break what felt like every five minutes. Made me question my abilities as a storyteller whenever she would interrupt to whine “fuuck I need a smoooke 😭”. As a person, it quickly became obvious that she was terrible to everyone. Her dating habits were especially horrendous; she had a toxic ass rebound boyfriend, but would preferentially bed men that Amy had expressed an interest in, including Henry. At the table she initially focused her attention on Phillip because he is a solid 12/10, but he got pissed right the fuck off with her constant smoke breaks so she ended up plowing furrows in her mattress with Dave a lot. Thankfully she left after we all got frustrated enough with her to stop giving her preferential treatment.

All in all, we were losers and stuck together because we were losers. I stayed for as long as I did because I thought I didn’t deserve better. Besides, bad D&D is better than no D&D, right?

Thankfully I know better now. I left the group after Covid, and I almost immediately started making real progress. I got a better (but smaller) group of friends I play D&D with now. I also am no longer dependant on the magic bean to function, found my passion and have an actual big boy job now, and went back to college and am actually doing well this time! I honestly think keeping these losers in my life just held me back socially and emotionally.

In case you are as slow on the uptake as me, I am Pablo. If you are also a Pablo, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll grow at your own pace. At the time this story took place, I believed that I had peaked in middle school, and that it was all downhill from there, that I had missed my shot to be a complete person and no one would love me for me, least of all myself. It’s easy to forget that your story is not over, because that story never existed. You likely define yourself in reaction to how others react to you, mixed with your memories. None of that is “real”. Your friends likely only remember you by the first impression you made on them, plus a few highlights. They aren’t gonna remember your stutters and fumbles unless they are hilarious, and what they do remember will be broad strokes. On the other hand, your (non-traumatic) memories change slightly every time you access them until they are completely unusable. A good chunk of your memories are likely so mutated that they might as well be completely made-up. “You” is not a solid concept. “You” changes on a month to month basis. So take advantage of that. You can practice making a good first impression on people by going out and meeting lots of people. Pick up some new skills and hobbies. Make new friends, drop toxic ones, and don’t look back. Keep trying new things. Nobody is going to remember how bad you were at it in the beginning, and you’re not even going to remember your fuckups after a few months or years. That said, keep records of the stuff you did. You can’t see how far you’ve come if you can’t compare it to the garbage you made when you were a beginner, and we just established that your memories are not accurate. That’s my advice. Go out and grow!