Image: A person writing on a large chalkboard the size of a large wall covered with mathematical formulas and notes. The caption reads, “My autistic mind trying to figure out if she’s into me, she is indifferent or she absolutely hates me.”
Ok, but seriously…I can’t tell when girls are flirting with me. And sometimes, girls act like I’m flirting with them when I am not in any way whatsoever. What is the process NTs use to add meaning to social interactions?! Maybe we can figure this out logically.
It’s actually not extremely hard.
You politely and in private ask her out for a date. If she says yes, she’s into you, if not, she isn’t. The answer might be something like “I’d really want to but I don’t have time bla bla”, that’s always a “no”. If there isn’t a clear “yes, let’s do it at this time” it’s always a no.
Just don’t bother with the signals, this makes it very simple. Of course only simple conceptually, you’ll still need the courage to ask someone out and with like a 95% chance get rejected, but it truly is as simple as that.
I can see this working with strangers, and I would have no problem getting rejected by one. It gets more complicated with people I have to maintain a relationship with because people may be uncomfortable.
99% of people you know will have absolutely no problems with it. The problems are only in your head. Just simply add a “if not, that’s absolutely no problem :)”. And be graceful when rejected. That’s why I added “in private”, no one of the friend group has to know, it will allow them to save face.
This dilemma is why flirting is so complicated. Basically two people are trying to slowly build confidence that they like each other, while maintaining total deniability about it. I know this sounds challenging, but it’s much harder in practice.
For this reason, Azzu’s suggestions are absolutely correct.
Expanding on “be graceful when rejected” – make sure you are prepared for a “no” answer. One small help here is an alternative activity planned for yourself, so that you have something to look forward to either way.
This is also worth understanding in case someone asks you out. If they invite you to some undesirable activity (e.g. a sport you are not interested in) with just the two of you, then declining will be taken as a more general lack of romantic interest. (Disclaimer: asking you to an activity alone is not 100% sign of romantic interest).
This will often be followed by a significant change in behavior towards you (e.g. less joking / flirting). This is not them being angry or trying to get back at you. They are trying to respect your lack of romantic interest, and possibly handling their own emotions of rejection, disappointment, and such. If you do lack romantic interest, this is mostly unavoidable; people will always be sad when the person they like doesn’t like them back.
If you do have romantic interest, then try to suggest alternative activities and be extremely blunt that you do want to date them. Make sure you have a concrete day you will do something together, even if you don’t figure out exactly what it is. If you can’t even settle on a day, set a date on when you’ll talk next about a date.
very nicely and concisely explained.