So I recently started to recognize a lot of the behaviors associated with ADHD. I was and still am in doubt whether I have ADHD or not, but some specific events caused me to ask my doctor to refer me for a diagnosis. I was actually doing quite OK-ish this year, after having struggled with self-worth, short depressive episodes and mild trauma in the recent past. But I noticed that I started to have trouble focusing again as the newness wore off after my career change. And I got called out by my friends for “acting ADHD”. Which did not sound unusual at all.
So I got the referral, went through the intake with shrink 1, did an adult ADHD diagnosis with shrink 2. The diagnosis involved me and my mom answering questions about the presence of ADHD symptoms now and in my early childhood (5-12 yo). Basically, now I do have almost all of the characteristics, though they often are erratic (no problems studying, huge difficulties with household tasks, work productivity varies orders of magnitude day to day) and often not noticed by others (my average productivity in a month is great, though many days I feel shit due to not being able to do what I am supposed to).
In childhood, no symptoms were found. Zero. Partly because everyone in my family is forgetful and mom picks up stuff after everyone all the time, I was constantly reminded/pushed/supported and did not really have the opportunity to forget things (though I still did) and partly because like now, many of these things happen in my head and are not noticeable in the averages that others see. Except when I’m talking too much and interrupting people but I guess thats acceptable when children do it.
Maybe I don’t have ADHD. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe the shrink misunderstood me.
But I feel shit right now. The title is what I had pre-planned to say to people about the outcome and if they say again “don’t act so ADHD”. I can say it with a laugh and everyone thinks I’m funny and quirky.
But the truth is, I feel misunderstood. I feel like a failure for having fallen into an ADHD phenotype even though I am hugely privileged and have none of the baggage so many people here do. No childhood trauma, no school/grades problems, no poverty.
I can’t help but feel that my behavior is my fault, as is wasting health professionals time, who could have helped someone who actually needed it. Shrink 1 is on “long-term sick leave” now. She got stressed by me clicking things constantly during the (remote) interviews. Another thing to feel guilty about.
Best case now is that they diagnose me with some sort of anxiety disorder now. I have been reading a book on autism that I found and it somewhat satisfies my yearning for closure and community in what the author finds, but it also makes it extra painful that I don’t have that.
I don’t have ADHD, I just am super annoying. And I need to deal with that and it’s not actually all that funny.
I’m sorry for the wall of text. Thanks for sharing your stories and memes and goodbye!
Thank you for your support! I will use the anger and frustration to do more good. Love that vibe! I will do some more organizing work for the effective altruism club. I hate injustice and I will gladly and proudly be an inconvenience if it saves a few children from malaria. Or animals from suffering.
Loving myself is much harder.
It’s a slow and arduous process for sure.
Eventually you’ll grow comfortable with yourself and it will make directing all that passion much easier.
Unfortunately it is an expensive and long process. One psych had me under his Quetiapine, Fluvoxamine, Xanax spell for about a year. Convinced me that I was an anxious mess and that the only way out was to shut out my family. (That was a biiiig lie, family is what has kept me from doing terrible shit, they’re who is there when no one else is. Sometimes it is difficult for them to understand you but all in all they will almost always want what they think is best for you.)
Another tried telling me that I didn’t really want to become a doctor and that I was just depressed because of the intense undergrad classes. I’m 10 months out from finishing what I started. (School is hard and is that way to prove that you really want what you want, nothing comes easy. But remember that changing your mind is always an option.)
And finally a sweet and understanding psychologist helped me realize I was just a bit ADHD. Made me realize all my angst about not ever connecting with women was normal for me as a person. (He never outright told me I was gayer than Elton, he just explained that ADHD was not at fault here and to give myself space to think about what I really wanted) I began adderall and started getting the grades I wanted first. Then after that part of my life was fulfilled I was able to fulfill myself with a mostly happy (temporary) relationship and saw that hey it’s all good. I’m not broken. I no longer worry about seeking romantic happiness, as I have seen that it all comes by itself.
Now I just focus on being better at cleaning up after myself, getting acceptable grades, and helping people get better. Been off the adderall for about a year now and only go to my primary for it whenever the need arises (studying for hard exams)
Just remember that it is amphetamine and it is an addictive substance. The same goes for other stimulants of different classes. Many people have used it and learned to live without it successfully.
Every process is different but I guarantee that if you see this through you’ll find what you need.
Best wishes ❣️
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your support! It is helping me more than you know, I really needed it. I am feeling better already, will try to go to sleep now. Thanks again for your time!!
And also, I am so so proud of you for how you got through this all ❤️